You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize