After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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