My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
