I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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