if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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