Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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