I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you would pick up someone in the library
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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