so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
