I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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