hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
