i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
