I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
