I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
