Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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