Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
