I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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