this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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