I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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