Can i not drive my cunt home
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
