The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
