Betty ford says i'm here all night
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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