I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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