I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
