I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
