He is like the real live version of the state fair..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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