whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
All I want is dick and wine.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
