just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drunk is a universal language darling
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
