I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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