I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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