booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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