We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
