I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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