I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
