my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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