Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
