i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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