I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
