jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
