I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
