I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
