gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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