I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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