The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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