don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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