She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
