Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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