3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
