You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
