What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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