Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
