I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
