I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
