Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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