one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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