he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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