So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize