I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
