What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
