I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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