Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
