I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
