last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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