My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
