He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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