We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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